The words we never said

So much lost time... When I found my birth parents I guess I wasn't really expecting much at first but I certainly didn't expect to grieve for the time I didn't get to spend with them. We find someone new and look forward to the time we get spend together but in adoption reunion there is a longing for the past we never had. I find it hard coming to terms with the fact we can never change the past even though we may long for memories that will never be. Yeah I had my adoptive parents and they gave me a good life but there was definitely a disconnect there and a longing for a past that should have, could have belonged to me but for whatever reason never happened. Life had a different path for me. I find it hard not to grieve for a past I never had and that's the double edged sword of adoption reunion. 

I could make a long list of all the things I wished I could have shared with them but really it was growing up without sharing a genetic connection with someone that I missed. It's nice to have that now but my need for it was greatest when I was growing up and discovering who I am. There is a void that can never be filled. My birth Mum said she found it strange to think of me as a teenager. Her words cut through me as it was a reminder that there is a void for everyone involved, not just me. For her there was a bump and then nothing and finally a full grown man. She can never have memories of me as a child and in someways although I am her child, I will never be her child.

But it's ok... We can't change what has happened, we can only move forward.

It's ok... If I didn't grieve that would mean I don't care about the new family I have found and I do deeply.

It's ok... I can appreciate the opportunities and experiences that my life has given me.

The two ideas are entwined together, just because I grieve for the life I didn't live doesn't mean I can't be at peace with the one I have. The most important time is now and what you do from here. For me it is building memories and forging relationships with my birth family, writing and releasing songs and enjoying time with my wife and our pets.

So I have a new song which is based on this idea of lost time, the words we never said. For me it is about my birth parents, being adopted and not being able to grow up with them and how we can find peace within. 

Click below to listen to the song...

Please have a listen and let me know if you enjoyed the song (or hated it!) down below or if you have a similar experience. 

Peace & Love 

Ross

Lyrics  

For once I know just what I want  

Indecision waits  

Like an old friend at my door  

With it's creeping ways  

These days there's so much noise  

And it's filling up my head  

Even in the stillness of the night  

Are all the words we never said  

Oh raise my mind  

Across the world, taking flight  

Oh wake my eye  

So I can feel at peace tonight  

The sand is slipping through my hands  

I can't slow it down  

All the moments that we lost  

The silence of that sound  

These days there's so much noise  

And it's filling up my head  

Even in the stillness of the night  

Are all the words we never said  

Oh raise my mind  

Across the world, taking flight  

Oh wake my eye  

So I can feel at peace tonight

8 comments

  • PattiNale
    PattiNale Florida
    Beautifully said. I am adopted and can relate. We always want to know the unknown. We find it after so much time has passed. Waiting expecting more but will never be the same as of We took the journey of life with the unknown family we knew we could of had. What a journey we had with the unknown family that finished raising us

    Beautifully said. I am adopted and can relate. We always want to know the unknown. We find it after so much time has passed. Waiting expecting more but will never be the same as of We took the journey of life with the unknown family we knew we could of had. What a journey we had with the unknown family that finished raising us

  • Daphne
    Daphne Pennsylvania
    The loss of what could/should have been, is a loss that non-adopted people don’t understand. It is a life not led. Who would I have been? I am definitely not the person I was born to be and I will never fully know her. I am a study in nature vs nurture, an amalgamation of what was to be and what was. I love your songs. Keep sharing. ❤️

    The loss of what could/should have been, is a loss that non-adopted people don’t understand. It is a life not led. Who would I have been? I am definitely not the person I was born to be and I will never fully know her. I am a study in nature vs nurture, an amalgamation of what was to be and what was. I love your songs. Keep sharing. ❤️

  • Nikki Carlson
    Nikki Carlson Minneapolis
    Lovely. And I can relate. Thank you.

    Lovely. And I can relate. Thank you.

  • Dianne
    Dianne Suffolk UK
    Beautiful lyrics. I am adopted and even now at 68 I have not really come to terms with the loss. I met my birth mother and I am so grateful for that But there were still so many words not said. . A father I will never know..

    Beautiful lyrics. I am adopted and even now at 68 I have not really come to terms with the loss. I met my birth mother and I am so grateful for that But there were still so many words not said. . A father I will never know..

  • Lorene
    Lorene Arizona
    Beautiful song! I had a somewhat different experience. I found my first-parents at the age of 16 in 1978. I was still a kid....no driver's license and still in school. My APs had been abusive so I essentially rejoined my first-family at that point. My two youngest siblings weren't even born yet and have no memory of me gone which is priceless. I have been back with my family far longer than I was absent. After the last 43 years we have made many memories together yet I still grieve the first 16 years I lost with them. I probably will always feel sad about that.

    Beautiful song! I had a somewhat different experience. I found my first-parents at the age of 16 in 1978. I was still a kid....no driver's license and still in school. My APs had been abusive so I essentially rejoined my first-family at that point. My two youngest siblings weren't even born yet and have no memory of me gone which is priceless. I have been back with my family far longer than I was absent. After the last 43 years we have made many memories together yet I still grieve the first 16 years I lost with them. I probably will always feel sad about that.

  • Patty Porr
    Patty Porr FL
    Ross, Your voice has a quality in it that makes me listen to your words. My story is, through looking for my own birth son (whom I have not found yet), I discovered both a niece and a nephew that our entire family was not aware of. The sad thing is the parents of these young adults ( my brother and my sister) have already passed on, so they will never meet them. It is with joy and a determination that I share what my siblings were like, what I know of and hopefully, it will be sufficient for these newfound family members. I realize nothing will ever fill the void of not being able to connect with their birth parent. Just like nothing will fill my void either, until, unless I find my birth son before my end of time. At age 69, may I be blessed with a long long life yet!

    Ross, Your voice has a quality in it that makes me listen to your words. My story is, through looking for my own birth son (whom I have not found yet), I discovered both a niece and a nephew that our entire family was not aware of. The sad thing is the parents of these young adults ( my brother and my sister) have already passed on, so they will never meet them. It is with joy and a determination that I share what my siblings were like, what I know of and hopefully, it will be sufficient for these newfound family members. I realize nothing will ever fill the void of not being able to connect with their birth parent. Just like nothing will fill my void either, until, unless I find my birth son before my end of time. At age 69, may I be blessed with a long long life yet!

  • Avril
    Avril United Kingdom
    Beautiful, I am adopted and have just found my birth family, grieving for those lost years are the words I have been looking for to explain how I feel, thank you

    Beautiful, I am adopted and have just found my birth family, grieving for those lost years are the words I have been looking for to explain how I feel, thank you

  • Erma
    Erma Pennsylvania
    I describe this feeling as living in the land of Betwixt and Between (which by definition means "not fully or properly either of two things) I was born to live another life, but instead I'm living a life I wasn't meant to. Had I not lost that life, I wouldn't have this life and that would mean not having my children and grandchildren...they wouldn't exist. So I can't say I wish I hadn't been adopted, and yet I can't say I'm glad I was adopted because that would mean turning my back on the person who gave me life. It's very hard to feel at peace anywhere. Thank you for writing this piece and the song.

    I describe this feeling as living in the land of Betwixt and Between (which by definition means "not fully or properly either of two things) I was born to live another life, but instead I'm living a life I wasn't meant to. Had I not lost that life, I wouldn't have this life and that would mean not having my children and grandchildren...they wouldn't exist. So I can't say I wish I hadn't been adopted, and yet I can't say I'm glad I was adopted because that would mean turning my back on the person who gave me life. It's very hard to feel at peace anywhere. Thank you for writing this piece and the song.

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