Ten things adoptees want their natural parents to know about reunion

1. WE’RE GUARDED WITH OUR FEELINGS AT FIRST. 

A reunion with your natural family can be a wonderful thing but when I searched for my mother I really had no idea about who or what I would find. I remember being fully prepared for being rejected, to be honest I was expecting it but I hoped at least I would know what she looked like and maybe she’d tell me about her life. I had spent years feeling abandoned by a person I had never met so I had built up some serious walls of defence around me. It had taken me years to build up the courage to find her, I was looking for something but I wasn’t quite sure what it was at that point. I think my natural mother dealt with it really well, she let me lead the way in our newly forming relationship but let me feel safe and secure to do so. She never rushed me and it began to feel natural to open up to her. 

2. WE NEED THE TRUTH. 

I feel like I was never told the information I was needed when I was growing up. Everything was pretty vague, I mean I knew I was adopted but I never knew why or who were these mysterious people that gave me away. How could I know about my story if I didn’t know theirs and why could I not know? Did my adoptive parents know more than they would tell me? So many questions and no answers! I could sense it upset them and quickly it became a taboo subject like the elephant in the room, always there but never mentioned. I really appreciated my natural mother being completely honest about everything that happened, It allowed me to make sense of not only my story but hers too which to be honest I had never considered before. I never realised that she suffered, I always imagined it was an easy decision for her and I was just an inconvenience so you see how hiding the truth can be damaging. She told me the truth about my adoption and even wrote it out in story form which she’d read would be a good way for us both to make sense of what happened. She did so even though it was painful for her and I loved and respected her all the more for it. 

3. WE NEED TO GRIEVE. 

When people hear about reunion stories they instantly think of tears of joy and a happy ever-after story. I doubt they could ever imagine that we would need to grieve, I mean why would we need to do that? We should be so happy! When I began chatting to my natural mother more and more it became apparent to me that not only was she was someone who I was becoming close to, she was a part of me that I had always felt was missing but lacked the language and understanding to know and express it before. Mixed in with the highest of highs and pure feelings of love and happiness at finding this most wonderful person who had created me was ever increasing feelings of despair and sadness for the time we had lost together. All the parts of my childhood I could have shared with her were gone forever, all the shared experiences that bonded her to her other children were elusive to me, eternally beyond my grasp. I also grieved for the way the adoption had effected me growing up, I wondered if I wouldn’t have felt so lonely and out of place if I had stayed with her, my rightful mother. I cried a lot on my own but I felt that maybe we needed to cry together as a way of bonding with her or maybe for the support and acknowledgement of the loss I had experienced, something which I never had growing up. I remember being upset that I couldn’t cry with her the first time we met and only did when I was on my own the next morning, maybe I was still as guarded as I had been all my life and unwilling yet to share my emotions. The next time we met we spent some time alone and chatted about the adoption and were able to speak more openly. All of a sudden I felt my walls crumble and my tears flowed, my mother gripped my hand and cried too and I feel like we connected at that moment and I realised to my surprise that we both grieved for the same loss. It was painful but healing to share that feeling of grieving together. Both adoptees and natural mothers had their grieving denied to them, it is disenfranchised grief, a delay to an inevitable and natural process that is cruel and damaging to deny. Sharing that with her made me feel even closer to her and her to me. 

4. WE NEED VALIDATION. 

Feelings can easily consume you if they are kept locked up inside. When I was growing up I didn’t have the understanding or knowledge to know that my feelings of sadness, loneliness and not fitting in were to do with being adopted and neither did my adoptive parents. In the closed adoption era adoptive parents believed they were receiving the gift of a baby with with a blank slate, they wouldn’t remember or care about about losing their natural mother, why would they? They’re just a baby. Maybe it’s what they needed to believe in order to truly feel like it was their child and they wouldn’t want to feel like their child was in pain either so just hope for the best! Well it seems that babies do remember, they spend 9 months growing inside and listening to their mothers heartbeat. The mother might speak to them as mine did, they are ready to hear her familiar voice and to be soothed by the only person who can, they lack the ability to self soothe. I was a baby waiting to meet my mother and she wasn’t there, instead I was taken away and handed to strangers. My adoptive parents often told me how quiet I was as a baby and rarely cried even if I was hungry. They thought it was great, I was easy but I guess crying for my mother didn’t work so why bother? Instead I went into shut down mode and I think that must have continued throughout my life because I often was very quiet and withdrawn. Adoptees seem to become very observant and can be hyper vigilant looking for signs that we might be abandoned although this is usually subconsciously. Some adoptees like to test their parents but others like me don’t want to upset them so we keep our feelings to ourselves, locked down deep inside where they fester and do their damage. The first time I ever spoke about my adoption, what it meant to me and my feelings about it was with my natural mother. If I ever try talking about it to others I am either shut down with comments like yeah but you had a good family etc. Society doesn’t validate the feelings of birth mothers or adoptees. My natural mother made me feel like I could open up about it and she truly wanted to understand me, talking helped us both understand each other and ourselves better. 

5. WE OFTEN FEEL OVERWHELMED. 

Reunion is full of highs and lows and you never know what intense feelings are going to come next. We may have feelings of intense love for a person you barely know or feelings of deep grief and sadness for the loss of that same person. We may even feel like we have regressed in age and not fully understand why this has happened. I honestly believe these feelings are natural and important, it’s the situation that is unnatural so it can be frightening and confusing unless you have researched and read about the effects of adoption. Talk to your child about how they are feeling and maybe recommend books or video, my birth mother and I are always swapping articles and book ideas! Either party may however deny that it has affected them so it may be frustrating if they don’t open up at first but with time I’m sure they will. It really helps to understand that these feelings are normal and they can be worked through together. There are so many facets of reunion that can be overwhelming especially if there’s a whole new family dynamic to fit into and adoptees are especially sensitive to the potential of being abandoned, we subconsciously look for signs! A lot of patience and understanding is needed on both sides and I truly believe all reunions have the potential of being successful if both parties want that. 

6. WE’RE OBSESSED WITH OUR GENETIC SIMILARITIES. 

This is something only someone who has been taken from their natural family will ever truly understand. We grew up with no reflection of ourselves in our adoptive family with constant reminders that we didn’t have what others did. In my extended adoptive family there was always talk of who looked like who and took after certain traits of their blood relatives and it was the same at my friends houses. I often wondered if there was anyone who looked like me but it was strange because I still couldn’t picture my natural parents, they remained ghosts to me. I wondered if my artist talents were inherited because no-one in my adoptive family had any kind of creative flair, my adoptive father was very serious and practical and did not get me in he slightest. I often think he would have loved a son that was an echo of his own genetics and there are losses unresolved with adoptive parents too. Meeting my natural parents and siblings was equal parts wonderful and surreal, I could finally see myself in someone. I felt giddy scanning for physical resemblance’s and traits and it was wonderful to hear about the music, art and quirky sense of humour in my birth family that I had inherited. We are so starved of this that we crave it, we want to hear about how we look and act like members of our natural family because it validates us a person and makes us feel less alone in the world. 

7. WE FEEL SPLIT. 

There are many ways in which adoptees feel split. We often have the feeling that we don’t fit in or truly belong in our adoptive family but then we find our natural family and find we don’t truly fit in there either. With one we share experiences with no blood and shared genetics and the other we share blood and genetics with no experiences. We often feel like the baby that was relinquished died and we became a separate person to that child. I never really felt like I had been born until reunion which is probably hard to understand. It was like I was dropped off by aliens or just found somewhere. This makes sense because our connection to those who created us had been cut off and that which most take for granted was never there for us. We feel the need for connection, the true connection we were denied but we also reject it because we expect to be abandoned. Our brains weren’t shaped by the loving bond with our mothers but by the need to survive in a world that seemed alien and avoiding abandonment seems key to that survival even though that doesn’t really help at all. 

8. WE LONG TO BOND WITH OUR NATURAL FAMILY. 

Our lives didn’t begin when we were born, we spent 9 months connected with and protected by our mothers. Our whole world was literally our mother and the sounds surrounding her. Her world was ours. We were preparing for life outside of mother but it was ok because we would still be protected by her world and our bonding would continue. Likewise the mother’s body has prepared itself physically and spiritually to care for and protect her child. They know each other and are connected. We lost that connection to our universe and were suddenly surrounded by genetic strangers. Instead of being full of the love hormone oxytocin our bodies were full of stress and adrenaline in order to survive. It’s the premature development of the ego. All my life I felt like I couldn’t rely on anyone because they would just let me down. I apparently became a “stiff arm baby” and maybe I instinctively knew that spiritually I was on my own but physically needed these strangers to survive. The baby who was supposed to continue the natural bonding process with mother was frozen in time and in reunion is woken ready to continue what was broken. We don’t know how to do that as an adult, gazing into our mothers eyes and constantly being held by her is no longer appropriate so we don’t know how to bond or even if it’s possible. 

9. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU. 

In reunion you are familiar but you are still a stranger. In our adoptive families we develop roles and grow up with a mother and and a father and we are taught to call them mum and dad or mom and pop. Then you come along, our real parents but we already had parents who felt real and who have already filled those roles. So who are you to us? Maybe we want you to fill those roles or maybe we don’t or at least no longer need that, that time and that need has passed. But calling you by your name can also feel wrong, you gave birth to us, you are the reason we are here and our connection to creation. That is everything, you are more than just a friend. Much of our looks and personality is genetic and because of the two strangers who created us. I often want to call my natural mother "mum", it feels right but it also feels wrong when I see it written it down or after I’ve said it. It wasn’t her fault but she wasn’t there in my developmental years when these roles are being formed. We may start calling you something and then stop and then begin again. Recently I’ve started calling my natural mother “mama” and it feels right or at least more right than “mum” or her name. 

10. WE DON’T KNOW WHERE WE FIT. 

We lived a life and grew up in our adoptive family and developed family roles whether that felt natural or not, likewise our natural families often went on to start or continue families without us. All of a sudden in reunion I found I had siblings, cousins etc that had spent their childhoods developing their family relationships with shared experiences. My mother wants to bring me into her family which is wonderful but I also don’t know what that means or how it works. All of a sudden I have a new world full of blood relations and extended family and I don’t know my place in their world or if I have the right to be there. My mother wants to bring me into her world and part of me wants to be there but part of me doesn’t trust this new world because it once rejected me.

I Felt Sunlight - Stream on Spotify 

Though it was spring 

My leaf had fallen from the tree 

Alone you carried me 

Protected what you couldn’t keep. 

I felt sunlight 

When I knew your name 

The clouds opened 

And I lost all pain 

Oh and though I grew 

So strong I always dreamt of you 

In my innocence 

I knew you before we’d even met 

I felt sunlight 

When I knew your name 

The clouds opened 

And I lost all pain

23 comments

  • Denise Rickard
    Denise Rickard Kent
    All the words bought a tear to my eyes ❤️ I feel so much happiness for you Ross 🙏❤️

    All the words bought a tear to my eyes ❤️ I feel so much happiness for you Ross 🙏❤️

  • Rachel Green
    Rachel Green Newquay
    This is brilliant Ross as you know my story but you have actually put into words and perspective my feelings and thoughts about a lot of the same topics. Some very bumpy bits to overcome and some lovely bits to enjoy. I still feel its everyone else's feeling that matter more some days though and has caused some grief along the way. But so glad I finally chose to do it I certainly fit better in my Birth family than my adoptive one and everyone sees it xx

    This is brilliant Ross as you know my story but you have actually put into words and perspective my feelings and thoughts about a lot of the same topics. Some very bumpy bits to overcome and some lovely bits to enjoy. I still feel its everyone else's feeling that matter more some days though and has caused some grief along the way.
    But so glad I finally chose to do it I certainly fit better in my Birth family than my adoptive one and everyone sees it xx

  • Tracey Were
    Tracey Were Worcester
    This is beautiful Ross so brilliantly written I hope this will help other people in your situation.

    This is beautiful Ross so brilliantly written I hope this will help other people in your situation.

  • Janet Draper
    Janet Draper March Cambs
    Beautiful words , you are a insporation for many others , You are blessed .. Fondest Regards

    Beautiful words , you are a insporation for many others , You are blessed ..
    Fondest Regards

  • Peter Gaskin
    Peter Gaskin Bury Saint Edmunds
    Embrace life, each day, by following your heart in which ever path it takes. There is no right or wrong way. Those who know and understand you will help you get through any challenges along the way. The road may appear long, but it will soon appear short. So, make the most of journey and keep sharing your experiences. We all have a lot to learn from each other.

    Embrace life, each day, by following your heart in which ever path it takes. There is no right or wrong way. Those who know and understand you will help you get through any challenges along the way. The road may appear long, but it will soon appear short. So, make the most of journey and keep sharing your experiences. We all have a lot to learn from each other.

  • Antoinette
    Antoinette Vacaville ca
    I am crying reading this. My reunion was a nightmare my birth sister just ripped me to screds and my birth mom wished me dead now I feel worse then before but your words are perfect thanks

    I am crying reading this. My reunion was a nightmare my birth sister just ripped me to screds and my birth mom wished me dead now I feel worse then before but your words are perfect thanks

  • Antoinette
    Antoinette Vacaville ca
    I am crying reading this. My reunion was a nightmare my birth sister just ripped me to screds and my birth mom wished me dead now I feel worse then before but your words are perfect thanks

    I am crying reading this. My reunion was a nightmare my birth sister just ripped me to screds and my birth mom wished me dead now I feel worse then before but your words are perfect thanks

  • Joan Gaither
    Joan Gaither West Linn , Oregon
    This gives me hope and brought me to tears. Took me a while to get through reading everything that you wrote. I had to pause, reflect and ball my eyes out. Thank you for giving me better perspective what my son might be going through. I found him in 2019 and we spoke by messenger on Facebook. He said he need a time. He has allowed me to follow him on Instagram along with his natural dad and one of my daughters. He still has not reached out however. I am being patient and giving him all the time that he needs. I will every now and then send him a note on Instagram message to let him know that I am thinking of him, that I love him and that I am here whenever he’s ready. I have two beautiful grandchildren who I would love to meet and get to know. Sometimes it’s hard to wait but I know that it is what he needs. I have hope one day we will meet and begin our journey growing to know each other. He looks like me and his mannerisms are so much like me. God bless you and your natural mother. I’m happy you found each other and I hope that it continues to be the most amazing experience for all of you ❤️🥰❤️🥰❤️

    This gives me hope and brought me to tears. Took me a while to get through reading everything that you wrote. I had to pause, reflect and ball my eyes out. Thank you for giving me better perspective what my son might be going through. I found him in 2019 and we spoke by messenger on Facebook. He said he need a time. He has allowed me to follow him on Instagram along with his natural dad and one of my daughters. He still has not reached out however. I am being patient and giving him all the time that he needs. I will every now and then send him a note on Instagram message to let him know that I am thinking of him, that I love him and that I am here whenever he’s ready. I have two beautiful grandchildren who I would love to meet and get to know. Sometimes it’s hard to wait but I know that it is what he needs. I have hope one day we will meet and begin our journey growing to know each other. He looks like me and his mannerisms are so much like me. God bless you and your natural mother. I’m happy you found each other and I hope that it continues to be the most amazing experience for all of you ❤️🥰❤️🥰❤️

  • Catherine
    Catherine Sydney
    Lots that I can relate to here. Thanks for articulating it so well.

    Lots that I can relate to here. Thanks for articulating it so well.

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous FLORIDA
    ADOPTIVE PARENTS LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, THEY LIVE FOR THE CHILDREN THEY HAVE ADOPTED...AND IN THE END, THEY ARE THROWN UNDER THE BUS...I HEAVE READ EVERYONE OF THESE COMMENTS AND NOT A SINGLE WORD ABOUT THE PARENTS WHO ADOPTED THEM....THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO COLLATERAL DAMAGE...

    ADOPTIVE PARENTS LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, THEY LIVE FOR THE CHILDREN THEY HAVE ADOPTED...AND IN THE END, THEY ARE THROWN UNDER THE BUS...I HEAVE READ EVERYONE OF THESE COMMENTS AND NOT A SINGLE WORD ABOUT THE PARENTS WHO ADOPTED THEM....THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO COLLATERAL DAMAGE...

  • Emma Cordell
    Emma Cordell
    I don't think adoptive parents are mentioned in the comments because this post isn't about them. However, now you've turned the conversation in that direction, I disagree. If adoptive parents truly love unconditionally, they'll support the child they chose to adopt in seeking out their roots and, if they've done the good job of parenting they think they have, they won't be 'thrown under a bus'. By signing up to adopt, the emotional complexity is part of the deal. If an adoptive parent doesn't know that it's a failure of the system not of the adoptee.

    I don't think adoptive parents are mentioned in the comments because this post isn't about them. However, now you've turned the conversation in that direction, I disagree. If adoptive parents truly love unconditionally, they'll support the child they chose to adopt in seeking out their roots and, if they've done the good job of parenting they think they have, they won't be 'thrown under a bus'. By signing up to adopt, the emotional complexity is part of the deal. If an adoptive parent doesn't know that it's a failure of the system not of the adoptee.

  • Ross
    Ross Cambs
    Perfectly worded Emma, thank you 😊 I think for some, the involvement of adoptive parents in the reunion is an important and complex element. My parents have both died so I have no experience in having them involved in my reunion so I can’t really write about it effectively.

    Perfectly worded Emma, thank you 😊
    I think for some, the involvement of adoptive parents in the reunion is an important and complex element. My parents have both died so I have no experience in having them involved in my reunion so I can’t really write about it effectively.

  • Ross
    Ross Cambs
    Patricia I’m sorry you feel this way. My article is not the slap in the face or the push under the bud you think it is, it is simply about my reunion experience and unfortunately my adoptive parents have both died so they are not involved. I didn’t search for my birth parents for many years and one reason is because I felt it would upset my parents. My father actually told me that he would disown me if I ever found them, he used it as ownership over me and I now resent him for that. My mother didn’t do that although we never talked about it, I would like to think she would have been encouraging about me wanting to find my birth family but sadly I’ll never know. When you adopt a child, you need to remember that they are NOT a blank slate, they come with a genetic history that is not linked to yours. I shared experiences with my adoptive family and genetics with my birth family and they are both important.

    Patricia I’m sorry you feel this way. My article is not the slap in the face or the push under the bud you think it is, it is simply about my reunion experience and unfortunately my adoptive parents have both died so they are not involved. I didn’t search for my birth parents for many years and one reason is because I felt it would upset my parents. My father actually told me that he would disown me if I ever found them, he used it as ownership over me and I now resent him for that. My mother didn’t do that although we never talked about it, I would like to think she would have been encouraging about me wanting to find my birth family but sadly I’ll never know.
    When you adopt a child, you need to remember that they are NOT a blank slate, they come with a genetic history that is not linked to yours. I shared experiences with my adoptive family and genetics with my birth family and they are both important.

  • Nancy
    Nancy New Hamoshire
    Thank you, Ross. I wish my mother, father, and adopted parents could read this article you write and hear your song. My adoptive parents loved and supported me in finding my mother. You explained our feelings as adoptees. We miss all these people when they pass on. We are left alone, once again We are left with extended relatives who may be jealous, not understanding the love story we live. May your story continue

    Thank you, Ross.
    I wish my mother, father, and adopted parents could read this article you write and hear your song.
    My adoptive parents loved and supported me in finding my mother. You explained our feelings as adoptees.
    We miss all these people when they pass on. We are left alone, once again
    We are left with extended relatives who may be jealous, not understanding the love story we live. May your story continue

  • Lorraine  Dusky
    Lorraine Dusky Sag Harbor, NY
    This is really a great post. Thank you for writing it. It is full of wisdom about the issues that natural parents need to consider when searching or going into a reunion. I dealt with all of these issues when I found and reunited with my 15-year-old daughter. Lorraine Dusky, Author of Birthmark, 1979, and hole in my heart, 2015

    This is really a great post. Thank you for writing it.

    It is full of wisdom about the issues that natural parents need to consider when searching or going into a reunion.
    I dealt with all of these issues when I found and reunited with my 15-year-old daughter.
    Lorraine Dusky,
    Author of Birthmark, 1979, and hole in my heart, 2015

  • Shelly
    Shelly Wagga
    Your words ring so true. I often heard the words " you should be grateful " or " your so lucky " . In some ways yes. My beautiful birth aunty said to me " you have fitted in like an old pair of shoes " that coment validated me and l will always remember the love l got and still get from her and her girls . Thank you so much for writting this xxx

    Your words ring so true. I often heard the words " you should be grateful " or " your so lucky " . In some ways yes. My beautiful birth aunty said to me " you have fitted in like an old pair of shoes " that coment validated me and l will always remember the love l got and still get from her and her girls . Thank you so much for writting this xxx

  • Derek
    Derek Adelaide
    Makes very good reading, I tried to make contact with my daughter who was adopted at birth and I rushed in without thinking about rejection or her feelings. My daughter does not want contact she is now 31 with a family of her own. As hard as it is I kind of accept it but can’t help feeling that it’s not just her making these decisions, I live in hope that one day we can make some sort of contact as everyone involved is hurting in some way and contact could be the answer for us all. Thanks for sharing the above words, it gives me hope.

    Makes very good reading, I tried to make contact with my daughter who was adopted at birth and I rushed in without thinking about rejection or her feelings. My daughter does not want contact she is now 31 with a family of her own.
    As hard as it is I kind of accept it but can’t help feeling that it’s not just her making these decisions, I live in hope that one day we can make some sort of contact as everyone involved is hurting in some way and contact could be the answer for us all. Thanks for sharing the above words, it gives me hope.

  • Ross
    Ross England
    Hi Derek, I really hope so too. She has possibly put a wall up and it’s a painful thing to get past. Maybe send her a letter or card to let her know you think about her?

    Hi Derek, I really hope so too. She has possibly put a wall up and it’s a painful thing to get past. Maybe send her a letter or card to let her know you think about her?

  • Derek
    Derek Adelaide
    Hi Ross, thanks for the message mate, I did try a letter but to no avail, it’s a difficult situation as my wife who was my girlfriend then had a concealed pregnancy at 16 and gave her up for adoption. my wife never told me until 27 years had passed. My daughter now knows she has 3 full brothers and my wife and I are still together so a difficult situation for all involved, thanks for the kind words and your understanding mate. Derek

    Hi Ross, thanks for the message mate, I did try a letter but to no avail, it’s a difficult situation as my wife who was my girlfriend then had a concealed pregnancy at 16 and gave her up for adoption. my wife never told me until 27 years had passed. My daughter now knows she has 3 full brothers and my wife and I are still together so a difficult situation for all involved, thanks for the kind words and your understanding mate. Derek

  • Julie D
    Julie D Cambridge
    Thank you Ross for sharing this truly heartfelt, honest and emotionally raw account of your reunion experience. Difficult to write and yet I’m guessing- hugely therapeutic. Your honesty and ability to explore and understand both your feelings and those of your significant others is inspirational. I’m sure your experiences have equipped you with the tools and skills required to touch others through your gifts of words and music. You may feel depleted in certain areas Ross but you are rich in so many more xx You are a beautiful Soul Ross - thank you for you 🤍xx

    Thank you Ross for sharing this truly heartfelt, honest and emotionally raw account of your reunion experience. Difficult to write and yet I’m guessing- hugely therapeutic. Your honesty and ability to explore and understand both your feelings and those of your significant others is inspirational.
    I’m sure your experiences have equipped you with the tools and skills required to touch others through your gifts of words and music. You may feel depleted in certain areas Ross but you are rich in so many more xx
    You are a beautiful Soul Ross - thank you for you 🤍xx

  • Diane
    Diane USA, Wisconsin
    Hello everyone, I am also an adoptee with many of the same feelings that Ross expressed about his reunion story. However, to comment on my adoptive family, my mother told me horror stories of what my birthmother was like and what horrible things would happen if I reconnected. She thought I would abandon the family that cared for me as I grew and would have nightmares. After my father passed and my mother was near death, I did locate my birth family. Both my birth parents had passed and this is why my case files were opened. I truly was unwanted by my mother and she lied to my siblings about my existence. I have been told I was the lucky one--the only one out of 7 children that escaped the abuse. She would threaten my siblings with my loss, by suggesting she would get rid of them too. Two of my siblings are passed, I have met 3, and I look forward to meeting one more. But by admitting to the brother I grew up with that I have made that connection, he now believes that our bonds are broken. I don't fit in with the family I grew up with, and I don't fit in with the family that I was tossed away by. How do I cope? I adopt anyone I find accepting of me as sister, mother, daughter, etc. My true family is so much better! My greatest comfort regarding my past is that the one sibling I haven't met yet tells me he loves me, misses me, and that his father (not mine), always wanted to adopt me. At least I know someone wanted me...

    Hello everyone, I am also an adoptee with many of the same feelings that Ross expressed about his reunion story. However, to comment on my adoptive family, my mother told me horror stories of what my birthmother was like and what horrible things would happen if I reconnected. She thought I would abandon the family that cared for me as I grew and would have nightmares. After my father passed and my mother was near death, I did locate my birth family. Both my birth parents had passed and this is why my case files were opened. I truly was unwanted by my mother and she lied to my siblings about my existence. I have been told I was the lucky one--the only one out of 7 children that escaped the abuse. She would threaten my siblings with my loss, by suggesting she would get rid of them too. Two of my siblings are passed, I have met 3, and I look forward to meeting one more. But by admitting to the brother I grew up with that I have made that connection, he now believes that our bonds are broken. I don't fit in with the family I grew up with, and I don't fit in with the family that I was tossed away by. How do I cope? I adopt anyone I find accepting of me as sister, mother, daughter, etc. My true family is so much better! My greatest comfort regarding my past is that the one sibling I haven't met yet tells me he loves me, misses me, and that his father (not mine), always wanted to adopt me. At least I know someone wanted me...

  • Amanda Pallant
    Amanda Pallant Ontario, Canada
    Thank you so much for writing this. You articulated so many things I couldn't put to words. I could have written this myself. My birth Mother was open and receptive as yours was and it was such a blessing to helping me heal. And yet, everything you wrote had me in tears. It is so helpful being understood by fellow adoptees.

    Thank you so much for writing this. You articulated so many things I couldn't put to words. I could have written this myself. My birth Mother was open and receptive as yours was and it was such a blessing to helping me heal. And yet, everything you wrote had me in tears. It is so helpful being understood by fellow adoptees.

  • Marianne
    Marianne Sask, Canada
    I could have written this word for word.

    I could have written this word for word.

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